When a Child Dies

The Loss Of A Child, no matter what their age, is perhaps the most difficult grief to bear. The normal grief reactions of shock, denial, anger, guilt, and sadness seem to be magnified and extended when a child dies.

Everyone Who Knew The Child

including the parents, will grieve the child’s death differently. Some parents will find it very easy to express their feelings, yet others will have a more difficult time, keeping their feelings to themselves.

It is important to remember that there is no “correct” way to grieve, and that men, women, and children all grieve differently.

Grief Does Not Come In “Stages.”

Although the shock and numbness will eventually recede, the anger, guilt, and sadness will continue to come in waves for months following a death. Be patient with yourself; there is no timeline for grieving, and in general, grief lasts much longer than our culture expects.

Parents Can Be Overwhelmed

with guilt after the loss of a child. Regardless if their child’s death was the result of an illness, accident, homicide, or suicide, it is not unusual for a parent to express the thought that they are somehow responsible. It is normal to have feelings of failure and thoughts of “if only . . . .”

Recognizing that these thoughts and feelings are irrational doesn’t mean that you are “going crazy.” They are part of the ordinary grieving process. It is helpful to find someone who will simply listen to your expressions of guilty feelings, without trying to talk you out of them. Eventually, if they are expressed, they will resolve themselves.

Anger Also Is A Natural Part

of the grieving process. Because the death of a child is inherently “unfair,” anger is a normal response. Like grief, anger is not an emotion that most people are comfortable expressing, so it is common to keep it inside, increasing the danger that it will “explode” at some point.

In addition, grieving parents may attempt to smother their anger with drugs or alcohol. Besides the potential danger of becoming chemically dependent, drugs and alcohol delay the grieving process and also may further depress your mood.

Because Our Culture Is Uncomfortable

with grief and especially with grieving parents, you may feel awkward about letting people see your sadness. Give yourself permission to cry, even at unexpected times and places.

There Are Many Decisions

to make after a death and all are emotionally taxing. Attempt to put off making any major decisions until you feel more capable of handling them. For example, do not allow anyone to rush you into decisions about what to do with your child’s belongings.

Some parents want to leave their child’s room exactly as it was; others may want to box up everything. Both reactions are fine. If it is too emotionally painful to see their belongings, ask a friend to come over and box them up for you. Then you can hold them until you are better able to go through them and decide what you would like to keep.

Because the loss of a child is such a difficult grief to bear, you may find yourself unable to resume your normal activities, and even question your faith, or your sanity.

All of these reactions are normal. Remember to be patient, to give yourself time, and to find someone who will listen with unconditional love and support when you need to talk.

Making it Through the Holidays

The holiday season can be an especially challenging time for someone who has dealt with a loss.  Below are some suggestions for helping with grief during the holiday season.  You may also find one of our free “Making it Through the Holidays” seminars (held in October and November) helpful during this time.

Plan in Advance

In the weeks leading up to the holiday, discuss with friends and family what you would like to do and what situations you think may overwhelm you.

Keep in mind that you probably won’t all agree on a plan, and that some compromises will have to be made. If this is your first holiday since your loved one passed away, acknowledge in advance how difficult it is going to be.

Whatever you plan on this year, you certainly can do something differently next year. For now, all you need to do is concentrate on the next several weeks.

Give Yourself Permission to Cry

We are not a culture that is comfortable with grief, so it is especially difficult to be in mourning during a time of year that is supposed to be festive. Acknowledge that no matter what you do, the loss of your loved one will cause you pain. Crying is perfectly acceptable. Don’t try to keep your emotions inside to spare other family members. Chances are they are thinking of the deceased as well.

Give Yourself Permission to Feel Good

If you have a moment of laughter or a shared joke with someone, don’t feel guilty. Holidays are a time for being with friends and family, and feeling light-hearted in no way means that you are forgetting the deceased.

Feel Free to Begin New Traditions

This year won’t be the same. Attempting to keep everything exactly as it was in the past will only serve to enhance the person’s absence. If your loved one always hosted the holiday meal at their home, perhaps this year the family can gather in a restaurant or at someone else’s home. Perhaps you can open presents on Christmas Eve, instead of Christmas morning, or vice-versa.

Slow Down

This is an extremely hectic time of year, and you’ve been through a traumatic experience. You probably won’t have the emotional energy or the physical stamina to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, gift-wrapping, socializing, and decorating that you are accustomed to.

Do the minimum that will make you feel good, and don’t be shy about asking for help when you need it. Now is the time to call all those friends/family members who said, “If you need anything call me.”

Watch Your Alcohol Intake

This is a time of year for parties, and it is easy to drink too much during these months, even if you normally drink very little. Alcohol, however, is a depressant, and it is very likely that your mood is very low. In addition, both grief and alcohol have an adverse effect on your immune system, and the combination of the two could make it much easier for you to become physically ill.

Don’t Isolate Yourself—Give Yourself a “Way Out”

One of the aspects of grief that is hard for others to understand is the effort it takes for someone in mourning to socialize. At the same time, it isn’t healthy to stay isolated. During the holidays, as you are invited to parties or religious functions, it is important to keep this in mind.

If you can, drive yourself or carpool with an understanding friend, so you can leave when you are feeling overwhelmed. Let people know in advance that you may “sneak-out” a little early.

If You Have Children, Include Them as Much as Possible

Depending on their age and maturity level, children can be especially upset and anxious during the holidays. They may be hesitant to ask the adults in their life about the deceased, because mentioning that person’s name may bring on tears. It is important to explain that it is OK if adults cry, and that although they are sad now, they won’t always be THIS sad.

It is very important to check in with your children and to ask them which holiday traditions are vital to them. For example, you may feel like you just don’t have the energy to buy a tree and decorate it. However, for your children this may be much more important than decorating the rest of the house.

Be honest about what you feel capable of doing, but consider compromising on some of their requests, as continuing tradition can help renew their sense of hope and optimism.

Find a Way to Memorialize Your Loved One

Feel free to reminisce about past holidays with your loved one. Family and friends may be hesitant to mention your loved one for fear of upsetting you.

As a result, you may feel as if your loved one has been forgotten in the holiday rush. Take some time to remember them in a way that is meaningful to you. You may want to give to a charity in their name, keep a candle burning in their memory, or plant a tree. Whatever feels right for you is fine.